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your kids are watching your
marriage
by joel gilbert, lcsw often, one of the most neglected parenting lessons throughout a
marriage
is, in fact, the
marriage
itself. as couples become increasingly hyper-focused on schedules and extracurricular activities (travel ball, dance, cheer, festivals, events, etc.), they often discount the very thing that brought the family into existence itself?the
marriage
. in couples counseling, i sometimes ask a new couple what grade they achieved in their high school
marriage
course. it?s largely a rhetorical question and potentially a lame
marriage
counseling joke, but it does provide some perspective into how we have learned to engage in relationships. our knowledge of how to maintain the most challenging and intense relationship of our lives was not a subject we could excel in during school, but rather a combination of observations of
marriage
s closest to us as we grew, which in most cases was our
parents
? relationship. and in your child ?s life, that includes your own
marriage
today. your home is a classroom whether you realize it or not, your
parents
?
marriage
relationship, or lack thereof, has had a tremendous impact on the relationships you have with others today, especially your spouse. ?e truth is that your home is a classroom for your
children
to learn about the various complexities of life, human emotion, love, and relational dynamics. in this classroom, your
marriage
is the teacher. like it or not, it is the driving force that guides your
children
?s understanding of love and relationships. i think most people have some baggage, good or bad, from watching their
parents
? relationships, and it is sometimes an unsettling thought that we, as human beings, tend to mimic the behaviors we observe in others. for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, your
marriage
is being observed. ?e good news is, this can be a natural, wonderful way to teach your
children
how to disagree, how to love, and how to support the ones you love the most. the walls have ears when i ask clients to describe their
parents
? relationship, they often end up describing how their
parents
?fought? or disagreed with each other. it would be naïve to think that your
children
don?t pick up on your tone toward your spouse or the subtle criticisms you may make toward each other.
children
are curious creatures, and they are constantly learning from their environment, their interactions with others, and by watching others interact. as a child, i remember knowing where in the house i needed to be in order to listen in on a conversation in any given room. if my
parents
were in an argument, this was something that piqued my curiosity, even though i knew that i wasn?t supposed to be listening in. so, it should come as no surprise that your kids are always listening, and they are good at it. it doesn?t matter if the tv is on while they are playing on their tablet and their brother is practicing drums in the next room?they are listening. ?ey hear what you say and pay careful attention to how you say it. 3 8 b r p a r e n t s . c o m | n o v e m b e r 2 0 1 7
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