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?make it clear to your
partner
: ?i?m going to be on my phone for a little bit,?? kort
says
. allow your
partner
that time on his phone?whether it?s 30 minutes or one hour?without giving him grief for it. after that time, make an agreement that, for example, after 8 p.m., you?ll both put your phones away for the night. 2. nix the kid talk. ?when did the baby last eat?? ?did you help ava with her science project?? ?am i driving ryan to practice?? as parents, it?s easy to fall into the pattern of talking solely about your kids, but there has to be more to your conversations than your child. dr. belaire adds, ?while there aren?t particular topics, you should talk about what brings both of you pleasure. you should be remembering what brought you two together.? instead, a women?s health article titled, 6 things you and your
partner
should talk about every day suggests couples talk about their goals (both professionally and personally), discuss their plans for the future, and even chat about their health. 3. do stuff together. kick it old school and spend time together?just the two of you. ?they should be making time for each other separate from the kid,? kort
says
. sometimes, people do that by laying side by side in bed on sunday morning, he
says
, or by talking on the phone when they are away from each other. or, book a babysitter and go do something. ?focus on having an enjoyable time together. it?s easier to pick things to do if you have similar interests, but if you don?t, you just have to be more creative when deciding what to do. trade off on who picks what to do, that way you have give and take. you need to be able to conscientiously say, ?i?m enjoying this time with you,??
says
dr. belaire. 4. create a mutual
vision
. whether it?s di
vision
of household chores, child care responsibilities or intimacy, every person has expectations for what he or she thinks he or she should be getting out of the marriage. if your expectations don?t align, kort encourages couples to do ?mutual
vision
? homework to help them share those expectations. ?they go home and she writes down her
vision
of what she wants in a relationship, and he writes down his
vision
,? he
says
. this method is based on information from harville hendrix?s 1988 book, getting the love you want: a guide for couples . to do this, couples work separately to write down sentences for non- negotiables and desires. when writing your
vision
for your relationship, focus on different areas: sex and romance, finances, communication, parenting, in-laws, leisure activities and work. once you?ve both created your
vision
, sit down together to create a
vision
you can both agree on. ?post your relationship
vision
where you see it daily. read (it) together with your
partner
once a week, check if you are on target?this will help you make daily choices that will turn your
vision
into a reality,? notes the local , an austrian website, in a post on hendrix?s approach. ?update and tweak your relationship
vision
once a year to fit your current needs.? 5. get help. ?couples can do better if they address things early. they can learn new communication strategies which can help address issues and be beneficial,?
says
dr. belaire. and, couples sould know that a therapist?s main goal is to help couples work through their conflict and find ways to reconnect emotionally and physically? not prepare for divorce. even if you?re the one in the couple who doesn?t think there?s a problem in your relationship?or you?re afraid to seek therapy because you don?t know what?s going to happen, or you feel it will force the two of you to break up?you should still make the effort to see a therapist if that?s what your
partner
wants. it's crucial to open that line of communication with your
partner
and hear his or her side. ?it?s important for him then to validate and hear her experience?why it feels like a problem for her,? kort
says
. ?to help her resolve the problem, he has to be part of the solution.? intentional dialogue with imago if you feel like you?re speaking different languages, imago therapy may help. the brainchild of dr. harville hendrix, best-selling author of getting the love you want: a guide for couples , imago helps establish a ?couple?s dialogue? to address certain issues and behaviors. it?s something sex and relationship expert joe kort does with his clients at the center for relationship and sexual health. ?it?s a great couples tool,? he
says
. ?one
partner
is the ?sender,? the other
partner
is the ?receiver??and they are forced into one of them listening and one of them talking at a time.? if you?re the sender, you?ll first ask for some ?couple?s dialogue? time. once your
partner
agrees, you then tell him or her what is bothering you?using ?i? statements. for example, you might say, ?i am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated around the house because i feel like i?m always tidying up, and in particular, i feel like i?m tidying up after you.? once the sender is done with her statement, the receiver mirrors and validates what his
partner
said. if the receiver misses the mark, the sender will then clarify the statement. after that, the receiver should try to empathize with his
partner
, and as the imago website notes, ?evoke that emotional, compassionate side? of himself. this way of speaking isn?t always easy for everyone, kort
says
. ?it?s a mechanical way of talking. nobody likes it, but it works.? and it?s not permanent, he adds. ?you?ll tailor it to the way that works best for you.? kort suggests inviting your
partner
to change his or her behavior in positive, measurable and specific ways. instead of saying, ?stop doing this? or ?don?t do this,? say, ?i?d like you to say this? or ?i?d like you to do this.? to see a video of couple?s dialogue in action, visit imagorelationships.org. originally printed in metro parent magazine . ? 5 4 b r p a r e n t s . c o m | a u g u s t 2 0 1 9
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