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fight fair 10
rule
s for healthy disagreements in marriage by sarah lyons d id you promise to love and comfort, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness, and in health, for as long as you both shall live? when we lovingly answered, ?i do,? it was hard to imagine what day-to- day life with our spouse
would look like. whether you have been married a short time or for many years, you realize that marriage takes a lot of hard work and understanding. even in the happiest and healthiest marriages, argument
s cannot be avoided. it is wise to set some ground rules to help resolve conflicts and keep the relationship loving and respectful. rule #1: anger is an emotion. remember that anger is just an emotion. everyone should be allowed to feel angry, sad, upset, or disappointed. these emotions are normal and are neither right nor wrong. also, remember that everyone handles them differently. one person may cry, another may scream, and yet another may want to be alone. try to be respectful of your partner?s emotions. when your spouse is angry, try to understand her side of things. allow her to express her anger before responding. when you are angry, check your emotions. where is the anger coming from? are you angry with this situation or a larger issue? knowing the true source of anger will help resolve the conflict. rule #2: no one ?wins.? when someone ?wins? an argument or gets his or her way, the other party can feel a lot of resentment towards his or her spouse. try not to emphasize who has won an argument and who has lost. when resolving conflict, come to a compromise that makes everyone comfortable. if it is obvious that one person has triumphed, do not flaunt it. rule #3: take a break. if an argument becomes heated and a resolution is not clear, agree to take a break. many people need time and space to digest the issue at hand. while a break from the disagreement is a good idea, it should never be brushed aside and ignored. it is likely that the issue will arise again and be compounded by the earlier brush off. when taking a break, set aside a specific time when both parties are calm to discuss the issue again. a solution may come easier after some time away from the situation. rule #4: be honest and specific. when you do sit down to discuss the disagreement, honesty is best when communicating with your spouse. when your partner brings something to your attention, try to be honest with yourself about what your actions were and how they made your spouse feel. also, be specific when explaining what upsets you. name specific issues that are bothering you, and do not exaggerate. statements like, ?you always?? or ?you never...? are not productive. ?this evening at dinner, it hurt me when you said...? is much more specific and helps your partner understand exactly what bothered you. rule #5: don?t hit below the belt. during an argument, hurtful things may be said, but try to remain respectful, and don?t ?hit below the belt.? bringing up topics that you know are sensitive should be avoided unless at the heart of the matter. threatening divorce, name calling, or saying negative things about your partner?s looks should also be off limits. once something is said, it cannot be taken back and words can be very damaging and hurtful. agree to avoid these ?low blows? before an argument is even started. know when to walk away if things do get out of control. rule #6: use good communication skills with each other. when you sit down to discuss the conflict, take turns speaking and listening. repeat back what your spouse has said to make sure you understand, and so he knows you are listening. pay attention to how your spouse communicates and how he responds to different types of communication. 2 8 b r p a r e n t s . c o m | j u l y 2 0 1 9
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