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1217 DECEMBER
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he seemed rather innocuous when we re- ceived him. a
little
guy in a red suit sat in a festive green gift box, accompanied by a picture book. i read aloud from the book about our
elf
on the sh
elf
as i cuddled with the
kids
in our big, comfy chair. i?m sure we looked just like the ideal family in the picture from a christmas card. i held the
little
elf
with the strangely boneless body, gazing into his hard plastic face. according to the book, the
elf
would watch over my kiddos and remind them to be good throughout the month of december. at night, he would fly back to the north pole and report the children?s behavior to santa claus. ?en, in the morning when the
little
ones awaken, he would be in a different place in the house. he might be in the bath- room to make sure that they brush their teeth, for example. or, he would double as the dining room table?s centerpiece, making note of who ate their veggies. ?is passive bribery seemed like a good idea at the time. anything to get through the christmas season. but, i had no idea what horrors the next days would bring. on december 1, the children happily greeted the
little
elf
as he sat on the top of the tv. i?d placed him there to remind them of their screen-time limits. to my amazement, that afternoon, they obedi- ently turned off the tv when i asked? the first time. all was well. ?at night, i moved the
elf
to the
kids
? bathroom and left him perched on the sink. my oldest was a
little
creeped out. was he watch- ing her go potty? but the younger ones brushed their teeth with extra care. on the third day, i tied the
elf
?s floppy red legs in a bow and hung him upside down from the coat rack to remind the
kids
to hang their jackets. i was feeling pretty proud of mys
elf
. ?at is, until my young- est came home from school. ?our
elf
is boring!? he exclaimed. confused, i asked why. ?johnnie?s
elf
is naughty,? my son said. ?his
elf
drew mustaches on the family picture this morning. ?ey found him with a marker in his hand!? ?yeah!? said my middle child, picking up the story. ?and isabelle?s
elf
threw toilet paper all over the bathroom!? ?well, those elves are obviously not set- ting a good example,? i huffed. ??e book says he watches over you and reports to santa. period.? each night, i waited until the
kids
were asleep, then i moved the
elf
to a new spot. i put him by the booksh
elf
to remind them to read, and in each child?s bedroom in turn so that they would stay in bed. unfortunately, i also repeated the bathroom sink. it was exhausting. christmas chaos was soon in full swing and the inevitable happened. i forgot to move the
elf
. ?at morning, as i clutched my coffee cup in one hand while pouring cereal with the other, i heard, ?hey, the
elf
is in the same spot as yesterday!? crap! ?maybe he was tired?? i ventured. my middle child pointed a finger at the youngest. ?you touched him, didn?t you!? she accused. ?mommy!? she yelled. ?he made the
elf
lose his magic!? ?what?? i asked, befuddled and barely awake. ?what do you mean?? ?mommy, the book says if a kid touches the
elf
, he loses his magic.? a lone tear ran down her chubby,
little
cheek. ?christmas is ruined!? at this point, both of the younger
kids
were crying, all three were fighting, and we hadn?t even had breakfast yet. i managed to calm everyone down, and when the
kids
arrived home that after- noon, the
elf
had indeed moved. crisis averted. or so i thought. ?janie?s
elf
baked her cookies!? my daugh- ter reported on saturday morning. ?sophie?s
elf
used garland as a zip line!? my oldest chimed in. what the heck? i thought. ?at wasn?t in the book. ?at night, i researched
elf
on the sh
elf
ideas on the internet. my mouth fell open as i perused pinterest. i scrolled through pictures of elves wearing tiny
little
homemade clothes, creating ed- ible bracelets made with cereal, hav- ing marshmallow snowball fights with barbie, and decorating everything from the house to the tree. my anger grew. whose idea was this? like i didn?t have enough on my plate with the decorating, shopping, wrapping, and other items on my ever-expanding christmas to-do list! now i was supposed to not only remem- ber to move the stupid
elf
each night, but also set up
little
elf
tableaus. ?at night, instead of sugar plums dancing through my head, i dreamed of evil elves stomp- ing on my christmas dreams. we made it through december 25 with the
elf
doing nothing more exciting than sitting around, much to my children?s dis- appointment. immediately after christ- mas, i wrapped the demon
elf
in the crumpled wrapping paper and disposed of his body in the bottom of the trash can. it had to be done. i didn?t know what i would tell the
kids
, but i had 11 months to think about it. on january 6, a package arrived. my youngest recognized his name on the packing label, and tore into the box before i had a chance to look it over. i opened the card he had tossed aside, and read, ?i saw this cute
little
guy, and i just couldn?t resist! i?ll bet your
kids
will have so much fun with? ? ?mommy!? my son exclaimed. ?it?s an- other
elf
on the sh
elf
!? ? the evil
elf
by tiffany doerr guerzon 5 2 b r p a r e n t s . c o m | d e c e m b e r 2 0 1 7
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