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1217 DECEMBER
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by sarah broussard weaver i always have good intentions when it comes to
christmas
cards. i mean, i have four gorgeous, photogenic children and three adorable dogs and a kitten to place beside them on the hearth, beside the obligatory
christmas
tree. i should clearly be sending out the best
christmas
cards. but that?s not how things work out for me. it?s not my fault, though. it?s the rapidly rising standards of the cards arriving in my mailbox. ?ey?re oppressing me. in every issue / t h e l a s t w o r d seven reasons you won?t be getting a
christmas
card from my family ?is year 4. how
did
you make your daughter?s hair look like that? you learned tree decorating and the art of curly updos at school? 5. i
don
?t know how to contour my face or wing my eyeliner. judging by cards i?ve received, this appears to be a new holiday necessity. i can?t do a decent job of putting eyeliner on the normal way, and i
don
?t know what is required for face contouring (is that even the proper term?). 6. how
did
you get your pets and children to look at the camera at the same time? seriously, are they hypnotized? but then how are they smiling perfectly?
did
you drug your dog and tie him upright?
did
you sell your soul to the devil for this one picture? what can i do to be adequate compared to you? 7.
did
you have to bribe your husband to wear that argyle sweater with a checkered button-down underneath? mine is in sloth mode and won?t wear anything but a hoodie! in short, you will not be getting a
christmas
card from me this year because my family is too busy to be all unstained and clean together, too large and of varied ages to find matching clothing, too abnormal to all look at the camera at the same time, i am too old to know how to follow the new makeup trends, my 10-year- old daughter looks like the kitten slept in her hair last night, the black-wearing 15-year-old thinks smiling is uncool and pouting lips are in, and my local macy?s wouldn?t let us use their tree for an hour. merry
christmas
, and
don
?t forget to unfriend me if you made those sparkly dresses. ? 1. y?all need to stop upping the ante. lately, i have been receiving cards in the mail that look like they?re from england?s royal family. is your house actually that perfect? i want you to think hard about what this does to the rest of us. you are placing undue pressure on me, and that is not the spirit of
christmas
. 2. where are you getting this matching clothing? i have three daughters and one son, who is the youngest. the matching
christmas
clothing is not really an easy thing to do when your oldest is 15 and your youngest eight. the 15 year old wears adult sizes! nobody makes matching dresses for these girls anymore when you get to adult sizes! a lso, both the 15 and 12 year olds have decided to develop style. like, their own styles. not mine. they
don
?t want to wear old nav y snowf lake t-shirts anymore. the oldest only wears black and that is not a nice holiday color unless you are in mourning. if you?re making the matching clothing yourself, go ahead and unfriend me on facebook. i
don
?t need that kind of negativity in my life. 3. is that your real
christmas
tree or
did
you go to a fancy department store to take pictures?
did
you actually go to school to learn tree decorating or am i missing an important genetic trait? i am examining the edges of your pictures for signs of shopping bags or strangers? legs walking past, because you must be in macy?s, right? t hose ornaments
don
?t look plastic, even though you have tw in toddlers. w hat sorcer y is this? d e c e m b e r 2 0 1 7 | b r p a r e n t s . c o m 8 3
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