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0817 AUGUST
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by lisa a. beach i ?m singing the back-to-
school
blues?but it?s not what you think. i?m not one of those moms who wants to be around her
kids
24/7 and dreads when they go back to
school
. in fact, i?m not one of those humans who wants to be around other humans 24/7. i need my space. you can easily notice when it?s the first day of
school
because on that glorious, bird-singing, sunshine-filled morning, cc?s needs a bouncer for crowd-control with all the exuberant moms on coffee dates. i am one of those moms. now that summer is over, i am thrilled that i no longer have to listen to my teens fight with each other all day or rouse them from their screen-induced comas and force them outside to inhale some fresh oxygen and soak in some sunshine. nevertheless, as happy as i am that
school
is back in session, it does bring its share of hassles. 1. supply lists. i agree that teachers are underpaid and education is underfunded and we all need to do our fair share. and i don?t mind chipping in for classroom supplies like tissues and hand sanitizer so my
kids
don?t haul home some awful virus from
school
and infect the whole family quicker than the latest zika outbreak. however, the level of detail that goes into these lengthy, very specific supply lists borders on insanity. one teacher required an oddly oversized notebook that even officemax didn?t carry. i could have hunted down a first-edition of beowulf quicker than i found this 10? x 12? spiral-bound, college-ruled, acid-free, archival-quality notebook...for middle
school
geography. another teacher listed ?two calculators and four three-ring binders? on her required supply list for algebra. when i questioned her about this, she replied, ?i?ve found that the students often lose their calculators halfway through the year, so i recommend buying a back-up.? 2. fundraisers, football games, and food service accounts, oh, my! from extra lab fees to uniforms, from art supplies to testing fees, from field trips to coaches gifts, from game tickets to lunch accounts,
school
fees add up quicker than a two-year cell phone contract. and if, on top of all these extra fees,
school
s still decide to do a few fundraisers, why don?t they sell things that parents might actually use, like a wine of the month club membership. 3. early start times. i could almost hear the collective snore of my neighbors when we left the house for
school
in the dark in every issue / t h e l a s t w o r d 6 reasons i?m singing the back-to-
school
blues at 6:45 a.m. does anyone on the
school
board know anything about teens, adolescent development, brain functioning, or sleep patterns? teens don?t do mornings, but hey, let?s just throw them into lit analysis first period. 4. pictures. what photography think-tank priced these portrait
package
s and wrote and designed an order form that only sherlock holmes can decode? ?e cheapest
package
, which includes 24 fingernail-size photo stickers that i will never use, a photo magnet and two 3?x5? photos, costs $28. i can get a 20?x30? poster at costco for $9.99. and the order form is like a puzzle, leaving parents bewildered with confusing-but-similar options that require a ph.d. in logic to figure it out.
package
one includes two 3?x5? photos, a photo magnet, and 24 photo stickers, while
package
two includes all of
package
one plus four large wallets and basic retouching (does this mean only one to three pimples?) plus digital downloads and
package
seven includes all of
package
one plus
package
two plus premium retouching (perhaps pervasive acne scars?) plus personalization. 5. drop-off/pick-up lanes. from the get-there-first parents who park in the carpool line two hours before
school
lets out to the parents who double-park their cars, block all thru-traffic and run into the front office ?for just a sec,? this free-for-all drop- off/pick-up process simply stinks on all levels. while i?m still working on a danger-free, beat-the-system drop-off procedure that could shave 15 minutes off my morning, i did finally wise up for the after-
school
pick-up plan by arriving 10 minutes after classes end in the back of the
school
. 6. backpacks. in sixth grade, my son weighed about 80 pounds. his backpack weighed 22 pounds?about the size of a small toddler. ?e architects of his newly built middle
school
decided not to put any lockers, so the
kids
carried around a quarter of their body weight on their backs all day long with oversized notebooks and college-sized textbooks for every class. ?row in a jacket, umbrella, and lunchbox and the
kids
practically tip over in a gentle breeze. so, while i?m thrilled that i now have seven teen-free hours of quiet, uninterrupted writing time five days a week, these
school
hassles are almost enough to make me yearn for summer break. almost. ? a u g u s t 2 0 1 7 | b r p a r e n t s . c o m 9 1
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