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Spring Pink and Blue 2017
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don?t do gracefully run. take it from me friends,
pregnant
women do not run gracefully. sure, many fit women keep their exercise regimen, even running, well into their pregnancies, but for the vast majority of us, the only way you?re going to
get
us to run is if someone?s life is in danger or we?re starving and a baker just put out free samples. ?e other day, i took my english bulldog to a park. a squirrel took us both by surprise, sending him running like a meaty greyhound towards a tree that was way too close to a busy street for my blood pressure. i hauled after him, which is another way of saying i looked like i was being chased by freddy krueger while
trying
to not pop a water balloon between my thighs. my ginormous boobs were doing a large lift and slap motion, making a noise that could be heard over my shouts for my bulldog to stop running.
get
up from a comfortable couch. a
pregnant
woman
trying
to
get
off a couch is like someone covered in canola oil
trying
to
get
out of the bathtub. ?ere?s a lot of concentrated lifting and hoisting with a balancing maneuver like we?re also
trying
to
get
on a tightrope. ?ere?s also some grunting and other weird noises involved that usually make other non-
pregnant
people feel uncomfortable like they should be helping or something. wait patiently for food when starving. let me tell you something, people. a starving
pregnant
woman is like a prison inmate with nothing to lose. her desperation could lift a semi-truck off a trapped cheesesteak sandwich. i remember my sister warning me about pregnancy hunger and while i believed her, i could never comprehend the manic frenzy. it?s like being possessed by cookie monster, if cookie monster also had a violent criminal history. my point is, if she?s hungry?don?t make her wait. whatever you do, save yourself and throw her the nearest bread basket immediately. picking things off the floor after they drop it. a woman, particularly later in pregnancy, is so ungraceful when picking things off the floor, if she drops something her first thought is, ?for
get
it, i?ll just
get
another one.? it?s not worth it and it never will be. if it?s a necklace she?s
trying
to put on, screw it. she?ll just wear another one. if it?s a butter knife she dropped
trying
to make a pb&j, screw it. she?ll just dip the bread in the jelly jar. if it?s a toothbrush, screw it. she?ll just eat a ?in mint. intimacy. sex with a
pregnant
woman requires far more unsexy communication and negotiating than should be necessary. ?no, put your leg over there. ?at feels weird, move over. ok, i can?t really breathe like that. sit up. no, up more. am i too heavy? oh god, i?m too heavy aren?t i?? we may not be winning any sexy awards with our partners, but if anyone should
get
an e for effort and a free gift certificate to chili?s, it should be an expecting couple after making whoopee. shaving their legs. should women who can?t even see their legs be legally allowed to hack at them with sharp razor blades? it feels so irresponsible. we can?t even balance walking down slight inclines, i don?t know how we?re supposed to balance on one foot holding sharp things, covered in slippery soap with a midsection that is blocking every possible view except for up. but we?ll do it, because especially towards the nine month mark, the baby has taken away so much of our dignity, we?ll be damned if we?re also going to have legs like paul bunyan. belly laughs ?ings
pregnant
women s ince becoming
pregnant
for the first time (and developing into the type of
pregnant
woman that doesn?t look like kate moss until it?s time to give birth), i?m finding that normal everyday tasks are now taking way more effort than normal. like walking down ramps, opening a jar of pickles, or staying awake while grocery shopping. and while i was no ballerina before, i can?t help but feel like a hungry hippo wearing heels wherever i go. here?s a list i?ve compiled of things
pregnant
women don?t do gracefully. by anna lind thomas 44 pink & blue | spring 2017
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