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Spring Pink and Blue 2017
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julie?s story emily?s story a s soon as i found out i was
pregnant
, i just knew something was not right. call it mother?s intuition. i showed my husband the test and started crying. we went to the doctor to check hormone levels, and something just
didn
?t look right. two weeks later, we went back and they found a strong heartbeat. ?e doctor
didn
?t seem concerned, but when we returned at 11 weeks, they
didn
?t find the heartbeat. my body wouldn?t go into labor, so we scheduled a dnc a week and a half later. ?ree months later, i got
pregnant
with drew. ?e pregnancy happened really quickly and was not intentional, but definitely a blessing from god. ?is pregnancy was a more joyful experience. during my pregnancy that ended in miscarriage, i just had a feeling something was wrong the entire time. guilt and shame comes with that. with andrew, it was a very different feeling. after my miscarriage, my doctor scheduled more appointments, which was reassuring. i was having all the crazy pregnancy symptoms, which also made me feel more secure. i was very sensitive to how i was feeling, thankful to have that connection with the baby. morning sickness was a comfort to me. feeling him move earlier than with my girls was also a blessing to me. i almost got superstitious, i
didn
?t want to decorate until i felt safe. in fact, i
didn
?t do any decorating until the third trimester. we
didn
?t tell anyone i was
pregnant
with him until i was into the second trimester. after having to explain the
loss
to so many people, i wasn?t going to do that again. today, drew is four years old and a little bit spoiled. people say it?s because he?s the only boy, but i think it?s because of the
loss
. he?s funny, active, sweet, sensitive, and loves music. he keeps his older sisters in line. i don?t necessarily call drew my rainbow baby even though he technically is. for me, i wouldn?t want to label my lost child as a storm. ?e
loss
of a child is difficult no matter when it happens. i like to think of each of my children as individuals and not as storms. ?rough the
loss
of a child and the next pregnancy, i really feel like my husband and i grew closer and our faith grew stronger. ?at?s something good that comes with
loss
, my faith grew. i was a mother of three boys when i found out that i was
pregnant
again. all of my pregnancies with my boys were healthy, and i
didn
?t have any complications. ?e whole family was so excited and hoping that a little girl would be added to our family. i went in to have my first ultrasound at 10 weeks, and the technician couldn?t locate a heartbeat. i was devastated. i had never experienced this type of grief and sadness before. it is amazing the attachment that i had already began to feel at 10 weeks
pregnant
. soon after, my husband and i decided that we would like to try again to have another baby. it was a very different feeling when we found out that we were
pregnant
again. i was excited, but very cautious. in the past, we had always let everyone know almost immediately. we decided to wait and tell our boys and family members until i was in my second trimester. we
didn
?t want the boys to go through another
loss
and the devastation of losing a sibling. 32 pink & blue | spring 2017
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