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?interviewing for pain.? and, he says, this approach can backfire. it may cause
kids
to become more upset and confused instead of helping them move on. although
kids
? clashes are uncomfortable for parents, it?s best if parents support without intruding. conflict is a crucible for social development. why conflict occurs and what
kids
learn from it we all want to feel a sense of connection to others and to be recognized as competent, powerful individuals. your
child
?s desires to sit with the cool
kids
at lunch, make the dance team and win an award in the science fair grow out of these needs for connection, achievement and status. ?e recipe for dissonance goes something like this: create a close bond between
friends
, add a spirit of competitiveness and an ounce of i?m-better-than-you-are, and voilą, you?ve got conflict. winning
friends
and earning bragging rights on super mario aren?t incompatible goals in the long term, but on any given afternoon they can cause friction. while it?s tempting to wish for perpetual harmony, a reasonable amount of conflict is good for
kids
. ??ere?s no doubt that some of the most important lessons our
kids
will learn don?t happen in the classroom but with a friend or two? during playtime, says michelle borba, edd, author of nobody likes me, everybody hates me . a
child
?s sense of personal identity develops as he sees himself through the eyes of his
friends
. when disagreements arise,
kids
learn to negotiate, to stand up for themselves, and to communicate their values. and when they mess up, they learn to take responsibility and make apologies, reminds borba. ?ese social skills stick with
kids
into adulthood and are critical to school and career success. while parents can help
kids
learn from their experiences, we can?t learn these lessons for them. how to support
kids
?
friends
hip skill- building getting involved in
kids
? social lives can feel like stepping into a minefield?you don?t know where hot issues are buried and missteps can cause emotional explosions. use these strategies to support your
kids
through trying times in social development: ? create opportunities.
kids
don?t want parents to manage their social lives?that just isn?t cool. to help
kids
make
friends
, parents have to be stealthy. invite another family over for dinner and let the
kids
entertain themselves while the grown ups talk. ?ey may groan initially, but they?ll rise to the occasion. step back and let
kids
get acquainted through play. share family activities often if the
kids
hit it off. ? put problems in perspective. ?ough it?s easy to dismiss
kids
? social woes as insignificant, research shows that social rejection activates the same brain areas responsible for physical pain: being left out really does hurt. just don?t overreact. it?s likely your
child
will get over the hurt, reconcile with her friend, or find a new one. ? check your expectations.
kids
vary widely in how many
friends
they have and the depth of their relationships. ?how many
friends
our
kids
have isn?t the issue,? says borba. what matters most are your
child
?s feelings about himself and his relationships with peers.
friends
hip should be a (mostly) positive experience. ? be a sounding board. resist the urge to clean up your
child
?s
friends
hip fall out by calling the friend?s parent or telling your
child
what to do. instead, listen compassionately to what happened and absorb the weight of your
child
?s sadness. with your emotional support, she?ll find her own way to mend the rift. quarrels and breakups happen, and painful feelings may linger. often but not always?after some time or a shift in activities?
kids
find a way to make up. to parents, it may seem like
kids
break up and make up too easily. ?ey go from best
friends
to worst enemies and back again before we know what?s happening. whether
friends
come or go, parents can offer an accepting smile, a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on. but, we can?t make them empathize, sort out their feelings, force an apology, or fix their
friends
hips. ?ere are some lessons that only
friends
can teach. ? ?there?s no doubt that some of the most important lessons our
kids
will learn don?t happen in the classroom but with a friend or two.? best friend breakups & makeups the ups and downs of
friends
hip may 2017 | brparents.com 33
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