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0816 AUGUST
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tapping into the latest trend, my well- intentioned husband recently bought me a
fitbit
, one of those omnipotent fitness tracker wristbands. ?e
fitbit
monitors your
every
move (literally) with a built-in gps and loads of features, making it a top-seller that (supposedly) fits
every
lifestyle. ?at is,
every
lifestyle but mine. i practically hung my head in ungrateful shame as i returned his gift, because isn?t it all about the thought that counts? what does this say about me if i returned a gift, not because it didn?t fit or it?s the wrong color, but because i just didn?t like it? what kind of monster am i? and yet, i was ready to be branded with a scarlet letter as i returned my
fitbit
. i?m probably the only person in the world who?s jumping off the
fitbit
bandwagon. why? for starters, i?m just not into exercise. i mean, i occasionally walk and do yoga but only because i know i should. and i?ve given up trying to master the dance off the inches hip hop party dvd i bought a few years ago, foolishly thinking i could do complex choreography ?so simple anyone can do it.? well, thanks for making me feel like an idiot, girl-with- rock-hard-abs-on-the-dvd-cover. when fit blonde girl instructs her hip-hop wannabes to ?pop it,? the only thing that pops (and cracks) are my knees. and i do try to incorporate movement into my daily life. i kick butt in word games, throw a fit when my teen mouths off to me, run daily errands, jump to conclusions, and dance around uncomfortable conversations. ?ese activities
don
?t really burn many calories, but at least i?m not totally sedentary. but the fitness tracker is a little too ?big brother? for me, with my
every
movement being monitored 24/7. to get the most out of my
fitbit
, i need to wear it all the time, even when i?m sleeping, shackling me like an i?m-on-house-arrest ankle bracelet. it just dangles on my wrist all day, recording
every
arm swing as i walk or reach for another glass of wine. who needs that judgment all day long? i feel like i should be wowed by this ?wonder product,? chock-full of features that track not only your exercise but also your sleep patterns, your water consumption, your calories, and your heart rate. ?ere are too many high-tech features for this low-tech girl. ? i
don
?t need a
fitbit
to monitor my water intake. when i can feel the cotton in my mouth, i know it?s time to take a drink. ? i
don
?t need a
fitbit
to tell me i was restless 35 times last night. i looked at the clock 14 times during the night, feel exhausted in the morning, and i can see the dark circles under my eyes, so i?m well aware i had a crappy night?s sleep. ? i
don
?t need a device that?s waterproof up to 10 meters, given my penchant for never going scuba diving. ? i
don
?t need a
fitbit
to vibrate
every
hour to tell me i?ve been inactive for too long. when i feel my derriere going numb from sitting at the computer too long, i know it?s time to get moving. and then there?s the whole guilt factor. on days when i think i?ve been fairly active, i check my
fitbit
only to discover that i racked up an unimpressive 415 steps today, and it?s already 3 p.m. ?is sets off a mini-rage, as i yell at my wrist monitor, ?why are you silently judging me? who are you to tell me i?m below my goal today?? on top of all this, i?m always just a few steps behind what?s trending. case in point? breaking bad was three seasons in before i even heard about it. so it feels a bit premature for me to jump on the
fitbit
bandwagon just yet. i?m also not what marketing experts would could an ?early adopter.? i
don
?t upgrade my cell phone
every
year. i have zero desire for an apple watch. i
don
?t want a drone. and, after great resistance, i finally forced myself to get on twitter now that it?s almost 10 years old. i?m always late to the trend party by choice. now, if my husband can find me a witbit to monitor my sarcasm, i?d be all over that. but a
fitbit
? ?anks, but i?m good. ? in
every
issue / t h e l a s t w o r d do i look fat in this
fitbit
? by lisa a. beach august 2016 | brparents.com 91
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