2016-com-brparents-90.html
May
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every
family
needs a portrait
. not some scrappy snapshot or iphone outtake. i?m talking about a professionally lit, awk- wardly staged, otherworldly retouched masterpiece mount- ed on canvas and prominently displayed kind of photo. also ideal for christmas cards, graduation announcements, and office walls and desks. capturing the perfect shot is not easy. ?ere are angles to manipulate and expressions to coax. perhaps more important are the attitudes to fake. fol- low these easy step
s for a per- fect family portrait. step 1: plan an expensive vacation to an exotic locale. spare no expense on your des- tination. nothing makes your family more attractive than an ocean in the background. whoever sees the photo will know that you spent a small fortune getting your family to the shores of costa rica or the beaches of barbados. ?at?s im- pressive. but beaches are not the only acceptable backdrops for a great family portrait. architec- tural structures, such as grand doorways or hearths, speak equally to your family?s pros- perity and good fortune. if you cannot afford to travel for your family photo, and you live in a less than stately home, sneak into the backyard of some more successful neighbor, preferably one who employs a professional landscaping service. step 2: shop for matching clothing. for a beach shot, you will want to wear white linen tops and breezy khakis. never mind the quality. you will only be wearing these clothes once. ?ey will be destroyed while trying to get the ideal casu- al shot, which actually takes 90 minutes, four light reflec- tors, and two different photog- raphers, to say nothing of the small army of support staff re- quired for truly candid looks. step 3: hire a photographer. it is important to encapsulate the essence of the family in the portrait. only a truly skilled pho- tographer will be equally adept at handling toddler meltdowns and teen angst. coaxing a smile from a surly 13-year-old takes more than a cooing voice and a clever teddy. and only the most gifted professional can quell the long- standing marital issues that sur- face in times of extreme stress? like when you are having your picture taken next to a toddler who wants juice. step 4: get ready for your close-up. grooming is critical to your carefully crafted ?casual? look. men and children are easy to manage, requiring only clean- liness and perhaps a last-minute touch up with the original gel: mama?s spit. as for your own makeup, keep it simple. ?is is not the time to try the new eye shadow technique you saw on a 22-year-old model at sephora. do not wear your brand new lip- gloss in raging orchid. as for hair, console yourself with the fact that hair always looks better in pictures than in the mirror. step 5: commence the photo shoot. everyone knows a fam- ily vacation is not as much a vacation as it is an unwinnable battle to entertain children, ne- gotiate meal plans, and avoid committing homicide while trapped in confined quarters with immediate family. ?ere- fore, it is best not to allow too much time to lapse between arriving at your photographic location and taking the family portrait. also, you will surely be thinner at the beginning of the vacation than at the end. step 6: manage unexpected setbacks. to get a good family portrait, you must be single- minded. do not allow minor emergencies to derail your de- termination. if, for example, one of your family members has a sudden case of foodborne illness, this is not a reason to delay taking the portrait. re- member, anything can be fixed in photoshop. in a pinch, grab another kid off the beach who is approximately the same height. chances are he will be happier taking a picture with you than with his own fam- ily, and your friends will never know the difference. step 7: review the proofs. be grateful for all the terrible shots. in some you will look mad. in some you will look goofy. in some you will look like your mother. while these con- frontations with unattractive images could threaten to propel you into a tailspin of anxiety, they also keep you out of bank- ruptcy court. purchasing prints of even a few good shots can cost more than your first car. step 8: frame and hang. couples often underestimate the strength of feelings about whether or not family portraits belong over the fireplace, and the topic is not often covered in pre-marital counseling. con- sider hiring a professional ar- bitration specialist to help you navigate the potentially mar- riage-ending negotiations. step 9: send the holiday cards when it?s time. finally, print and send the holiday cards, be- cause what?s the point of going through all this trouble if you can?t show the world how happy, successful, and attractive you are? all the effort will pay off knowing a cheap copy of your family portrait, framed in cross- es, candy canes, and dreidels, is stuck to the refrigerator of some barely remembered acquain- tance across the country?next to a lesser family?s picture. enjoy the satisfaction, and then start planning next year?s portrait. ? how to take the perfect family portrait by lela davidson in every issue / t h e l a s t w o r d may 2016 | brparents.com 91
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